Suddenly it is May and we are talking about coming to the end of our Living Faith journey. People are planning and starting to work towards future goals.
I have had some encouragements and some reasons to ponder and stress and doubt myself but then is that not what discernment is about? It feels at time that I am in need of full time therapy. That I am being judged and questioned and tested but that’s only right and how it should be, if Gods plan is now as I am thinking it might be.
But wait I have missed a whole load out, well actually I have written blogs, just not felt I could share them as they didn’t make sense or gave too much about my inner fears away. So here is a quick summary.
I decided that perhaps chaplaincy is my calling. Well it seems to fit but the idea of becoming a lay reader, who specialised in chaplaincy would free me up to be able (God willing) to help my own church and community. A plan yes?
So, pulling up my big girl pants, I sent the email asking if I could be considered to possibly start training to be a lay reader. Now they warn you it’s a slow process, nothing will happen quickly, your first interview (informal chat) may take months.
Four days!!! Four days!! That’s how long I waited. Four days.
So at the allotted time I bounced up to the door of the kind gentleman who had the task of trying to point me in the right direction or maybe no direction at all.
Full of enthusiasm like an overgrown puppy, really happy to be there, thinking of all the things I could mention to try and sell myself etc etc.
I arrived a bit early (we had had snow and I was keen not to be late) so went into the church next to the vicarage for some alone time and a quick prayer for courage.
Reassured by the stillness and peace of the church, I approached the front door and rang the doorbell.
It was at that point I discovered that the menopause had eaten my brain and the ability to speak had been erased from my hard drive. Suddenly breathing and grinning were my only functions.
In the next few hours I was asked my opinion on just about every aspect of church life, how I connected it with my own thoughts. Did I have a view on this? On that? On things I didn’t even know I actually knew about.
And then it happened. The big question. The one that I had been avoiding.
Why not become ordained? What’s stopping you?
What was stopping me?